Aloha, AI
Oracle surfs the data waves
Good morning, trusty deckhands. This is your Stock Market Rundown for September 18th, 2023. Thanks for joining me for another week of sailing the stock market seas. Let’s launch this dinghy:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: SAILING ON CAPTAIN LARRY'S YACHT 🚢
Enterprise IT behemoth Oracle’s stock took a beating last week, after its quarterly report disclosed revenue and forward guidance that were below expectations. But the stock is still trouncing the overall market year to date, thanks to their exposure to the hottest trend in tech: artificial intelligence.
Oracle’s autonomous cloud database provides the infrastructure for the hoards clamoring to attack AI problems. Customer bookings are in the billions of dollars. Impressive stuff for a business that, in its early days, was at one point a week away from missing payroll.
Oracle was founded in 1977 by Larry Ellison and his partners, who were the first to commercialized a relational database. Despite their product being boring, their origin story was ripped from a Jason Bourne movie. Their first customer was the CIA, working on a project codenamed “Oracle” (the source, obviously, of their moniker).
Today, Oracle databases are ubiquitous, tracking everything from your banking information, to your airline reservation, to the ugly Christmas sweater you bought on Amazon.
Ellison, now the company chairman, has a defensible claim to being the real-life Most Interesting Man in the World. While most rich guys get into golf or polo, Larry has a world-class yacht team that has won America’s Cup multiple times.
He drove a McLaren F1 for years (before auctioning it off in 2022 for $3.6 million), and built a mansion styled to look like a feudal Japanese village.
Plus, he owns the Hawaiian island of Lanai—including its two Four Seasons resorts. If you can spring for the tab of two grand a night, you can pay Larry a visit.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Amazon is boosting pay for contracted delivery drivers who carry packages the “last mile” to our doors. Given drivers have to tolerate the indignity of being forced to pee in bottles while on rounds to meet grueling productivity targets, I’d say they’ve earned it.
Federal regulators were alarmed to uncover that Union Pacific Railroad had an “concerning” rate of defects on railcars and locomotives, posing safety risks. Union Pacific responded by saying they should “chillax” and “it’s fine bro, trust me.”
Freight forwarder Flexport raised a few hackles when its founder rescinded dozens of signed employment offers after booting the CEO and a bunch of other execs in a bloody boardroom purge. Imagine you already resigned from your old job, then get an email saying “yo, we changed our minds about hiring you”? Gross.
Got a cold? Grabbing some Sudafed from your local CVS for your stuffed-up nose so you can power through your workday? Problem: the FDA just revealed that the active ingredient in over-the-counter decongestants does literally nothing. I recommend a shot of Jäger and eight hours in bed.
That’s it for today—see you bright and early tomorrow. Yours in capitalism, The Axe