Billionaire slapfight
Rich guys in the octagon
Good morning, my fellow misunderstood geniuses. This is your Stock Market Rundown for July 10th, 2023. Thanks for joining me for another week of hijinks. Let’s dig in:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: ZUCK AND MUSK GET SLAPPY🥊
It’s tough to remember now that it’s a boomer hellhole, but those of a certain vintage can remember when Facebook was actually cool.
As the primeval swamp of social media, early Facebook caused divorces to spike and guaranteed that embarrassing party pics of millennials would be instantly accessible to future employers. Thanks Zuck!
In recent years, when he’s not being questioned by politicians who think the internet is a series of tubes, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s big project has been the Metaverse. He even renamed his company “Meta”.
Meta recently launched a new “text-based conversations app” called Threads that takes direct aim at Elon Musk’s beleaguered Twitter, and has racked up 70 million signups so far. Sadly, most of them are brands tweeting cringe. Personally I’m not too excited to read “how do you do fellow kids” content from the social media interns at Wendy’s and Pepsi.
In a hilarious B-plot to this corporate tiff, Musk tweeted he’d be “up for a cage fight” with Zuckerberg. Zuck replied by posting a screenshot of Musk’s tweet with the caption “send me location.” Next thing you knew, the UFC’s Dana White was coordinating scheduling for the billionaires’ bout.
Vegas bookmakers are favouring Zuck, who trains in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, over Musk, who has heavyweight heft but whiles away his spare time quaffing champagne on yachts.
The spectacle of these two testosterone-poisoned dorks writhing around in the octagon at the T-Mobile Arena just might be enough to make me pony up for the pay-per-view.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Public companies will be serving up a new slice of quarterly earnings starting this week, and weak profit expectations are baked into the pie.
Invest in companies that make dentures, gardening equipment, and bifocals: the number of humans over 85 years old will double over the next 25 years.
Even though Bed Bath & Beyond is bankrupt, meme stock investors have driven up the price of the delisted shares. I’m begging you: do not get your financial advice from Reddit.
KPMG says the “lockdown generation” of Gen Z recruits are struggling to adapt to office life. Uh, office life is a boring grind. I’m not surprised they’re wary of being handcuffed to a cubicle, and forced friendly chit-chat in the break room while the microwave warms up their ramen noodles.
Hollywood is reeling as a few hyped summer 2023 releases have limped to flaccid box-office returns. Is this the death knell for the $200-million-budget blockbuster? Only Tom Cruise can save us now.
That’s it for today folks, see you bright and early tomorrow. Yours in capitalism, The Axe