Bird brain
Scooters skid to a halt
Good morning, scooter commuters. This is your Stock Market Rundown for September 28th, 2023. A sincere thank you for joining me today. Let’s dig in:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: RIDE, CHARGE, REPEAT 🛴
Remember before the pandemic, when everybody was flying down the sidewalk on electric scooters? Scooter companies like Bird transformed this goofy vehicle from a toy for tweens, into an urban-transportation trend. But now, the “micromobility” fad has faded, and Bird has flown into a window.
Founded by a former Uber exec, Bird had a simple concept: rent a scooter with an app; leave it anywhere. No helmet? That’s a you problem.
After raising hundreds of millions of dollars in venture financing at a valuation over $2 billion, the company aggressively pushed into dozens of cities, scoffing at regulators. Soon sidewalks and bike paths were strewn with discarded scooters, and irate locals were tossing the unwanted devices into lakes in protest.
The pandemic hit like a rock under their front wheel; revenue got cut in half, and management struggled to rebalance. In 2021, Bird became the first scooter company to go public on the NYSE. But the rough ride continued.
With more accounting red flags than a bullfight, and quarter after quarter of losses, Bird slid to penny-stock status, and recently got booted from the Big Board.
Lesson for Silicon Valley founders: sometimes “move fast and break things” works out, but sometimes it doesn’t. Particularly when you do a faceplant off a scooter going 20 miles an hour.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Worried about student loan payments restarting next month? Don’t resort to begging for spare change in front of the liquor store. The Department of Education has income-driven repayment plans that can lower your payments.
How do you do, fellow kids? Facebook is launching “sassy” AI chatbots in a push to bring young people back to its platform. Gotta be more fun than arguing in the reply threads under Uncle Carl’s reposts of Fox News content.
The US government is suing eBay for selling all kinds of illegal shit, like aftermarket auto parts that violate emissions regulations, and powerful pesticides that just might give you cancer. Sounds like eBay has been running its own version of the Dark Web for suburban dads with souped-up hot rods and well-manicured front lawns.
Candy Crush, the crack cocaine of mobile games, just surpassed $20 billion in lifetime revenue thanks to in-app purchases. That’s a lot of kids who have to explain to mom why her credit card has a line-item for “lollipop hammers”.
That’s it for today, my lovelies. See you as usual tomorrow morning. Yours in capitalism, The Axe