Blackjack hacked
Cyber extortion hits the Vegas strip
Good morning, degenerate gamblers. This is your Stock Market Rundown for September 14th, 2023. Thanks for joining me. Let’s dig in:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: THE SLOTS GO DARK 🎲
There are so many things to love about Vegas. The craps tables at the Mirage… day drinking at Encore Beach Club… the ribeye at Jean Georges Steakhouse… and realizing while playing the slots that you have no idea whether it’s 4 PM or 4 AM.
As for the casinos, what they love about Vegas is the mathematical guarantee that the dealer always wins. Recently, though, the Vegas gaming conglomerates are facing down threats worse than an expert card-counter at the blackjack table.
First, the slot machines went dark at MGM Resorts. The owner of properties like the Bellagio and Luxor hotels powered down after a massive cyberattack slammed their digital systems.
They actually had to check in some guests using pen and paper, which hasn’t been a thing since Frank Sinatra was playing at The Flamingo.
Then, it came out that Caesars Entertainment—operator of Caesars Palace and Planet Hollywood—paid a multi-million-dollar ransom to hackers earlier this summer. The master criminals simply phoned the company IT help desk pretending to be an employee and nicely asked: could you please change my password? Jackpot: they were in.
It’s not known whether MGM has received a ransom demand, but you better believe there were some sweaty palms in the boardroom over the past few days. Time for the rest of Sin City to harden up their cyber defenses—and maybe hire some less gullible IT guys.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
If you want to escape your horrible boss, you’re in luck: the latest jobless claims data shows the employment market is robust. Why not fire out a few resumes this week and see if you get any bites?
France, land of boeuf bourguignon, is banning meatless products from being labeled as “steak”, “ham”, and other animal-related terms. Incidentally, the milk industry never should have let “oat milk” become a thing… “oat slurry” would’ve sold much worse.
While a South Korean billionaire is locked up for insider trading, the electric-vehicle company he founded has gone up in value by ten times. Beats a dollar an hour for stamping license plates.
Road trip alert: Tesla is installing charging stations at Hiltons, so when you roll up in your Model Y you can enjoy a free charge as you wait for the forced software update to complete.
Shitty situation: Americans are taking so many laxatives that Dow Chemical is building new factories to churn out more of the active ingredient. Turns out they’re being recommended by “gut health” TikTokers, who are clearing the shelves of Dulcolax. Kids, try All-Bran.
That’s it for today, see you bright and early tomorrow. Yours in capitalism, The Axe