Boxed in
Insider trading antics exposed
Good morning, ethical market participants. This is your Stock Market Rundown for August 15th, 2023. Thank you so much for being here. Let’s get going:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: FROM BOARDROOM TO BEHIND BARS 😭
Men in their eighties should be puttering around in the garden and kibbitzing down at the local Dunkin’ Donuts… not getting dragged before a judge on insider trading charges.
But octogenarian British billionaire Joe Lewis will soon face a US court on sixteen counts of securities fraud—and a guilty verdict could have him celebrating his 100th birthday in the slammer.
Lewis is a storied dealmaker. Born over his father’s pub, he expanded the family business into a diversified restaurant and catering group, then sold it in the late 70s. Later, he dove into forex trading and made millions betting against currencies from the pound to the peso. Famed trader George Soros even gave him the nickname “The Boxer”.
But what he’s struggling to fight now is the damning evidence. The FBI says Lewis “abused access to corporate boardrooms and repeatedly provided inside information to his romantic partners, his personal assistants, his pilots and his friends.” Example: his girlfriend bought $700K of shares in a biotech stock after he spilled results of a clinical trial before they were disclosed to the public. Best boyfriend ever!
These crony antics might have flown during the go-go 80s when Lewis came up, but these days, technology makes it tough to cover your tracks. While Lewis is denying everything, prosecutors point to text messages of employees gloating “the Boss has inside info.” Ouch.
I think we can agree, if there’s one lesson here, it’s this: don’t trade on insider information… and if you do, for God’s sake don’t text about it.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Sony reported lower income but raised its sales forecast for the full year, anticipating gamers will snap up PlayStation consoles to play upcoming releases like Diablo IV and Final Fantasy XVI. If you’re planning on “calling in sick” on release day for these much-anticipated games, practice your fake coughing now.
Recent contract negotiations boosted UPS driver salaries to $170,000 annually, leading to memes and searches for “UPS” on job websites. Decent wage, assuming they don’t deduct parking ticket expenses for UPS drivers who stop in bike lanes.
Those mad lads at the Fed, they actually did it—drove inflation down from four-decade highs, to damn near their 2% target level. Put Jerome Powell on the cover of The Economist—the man’s earned it.
The AI craze has made Nvidia’s GPU chips more popular than Tickle Me Elmo the week before Christmas, creating a buying frenzy as supplies dwindle.
DoorDash reported revenue that beat expectations, with total orders up 25% year-over-year. They’re still losing millions of dollars every quarter, though, so the next time you chow down on a burger combo delivered to your front door, be sure to silently thank the DoorDash shareholders for subsidizing your fries.
That’s it for today, my lovelies—see you at the crack of 9 AM Eastern Time tomorrow. Yours in capitalism, The Axe