Chartered Binancial Analyst
"We are operating as a fking unlicensed securities exchange in the USA bro"
Good morning my sprouting mung beans. This is Stock Market Rundown for June 15th, 2023. Let’s dig in:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: BINANCIAL ANALYSIS🪙
In shocking news nobody saw coming, a global cryptocurrency exchange has turned out to be a megascam. Last week the SEC filed suit against Binance in a 13-count, 136-page lawsuit in US federal court that details a business model rife with wash trading and commingling of funds. (TL;DR: fraud.)
This is a two-for-one deal: the SEC is suing US-based crypto exchange Coinbase, too, for unlicensed buying and selling of securities. Cynics among you may be asking why exactly the SEC allowed an exchange offering unregistered securities to go public in the first place, two whole entire years ago. Details!
Catastrophic bureaucratic errors aside, with the bubble now in the rearview mirror, our regulatory overlords’ bemused permissiveness has transformed into pearl-clutching horror at the 24/7 crypto casino.
(Historical side note: back in the late teens, anybody who used Twitter got a rude intro to Binance via their army of bots. Which made it it extra ironic with double cheese when Binance partnered with Elon Musk and invested half a bil in his Twitter takeover.)
Anyway, the mainstream media is breathlessly calling this “the end of crypto as we know it”, but crypto is kinda like a movie zombie. If you put one bullet in its head and two in its chest, yeah, it might keel over and lie still for a second. But my guess is, before long it’s gonna start writhing around and lunge at you, bloodied maw a-snappin’.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Jerome’s magical mystery rate hike machine takes a breather. I say we keep raising rates until all the TikTok influencers have to get jobs folding cardigans at Banana Republic.
Disgraced girlboss and pathological narcissist Elizabeth Holmes doesn’t want to pay restitution to victims of her crimes after her sojourn as a guest of the state. Geez, that’s heartbreaking, sweaty.
McDonalds in Russia is now called “Tasty & that’s it”. That actually… rules?
Have you ever seen the prices goin' apeshit? Put some respeck on Beyoncé for causing 20 basis points of inflation in Sweden.
Forced by law to label foods with sesame, businesses are putting sesame in items that didn’t previously contain it. People with sesame allergies responded by saying “have you seen my EpiPen?”
Boardroom boomers are unstoppable: Louis Vuitton is partnering with the company that makes Fortnite to launch “immersive experiences in the virtual world”. Now Jaden can wear a Montsouris backpack (price tag: a casual $3,850) for his next battle royale.
That’s it for today homeslices, see you tomorrow. Yours in capitalism, The Axe