Don't be evil
Google on trial
Good morning, diligent analysts. This is your Stock Market Rundown for October 23rd, 2023. Thanks for joining me for another week of stock shenanigans. Let’s get into it:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: MONOPOLY MONEY 🖥️
“You get up in the morning and you brush your teeth and you search on Google.” That’s how the CEO of Microsoft characterized the chokehold his arch-nemesis, Google, has on the search business.
That dominance comes partly due greasing a few palms. In a scene reminiscent of the briefcases of cash in a mob movie, Google pays Apple billions per year to get choice placement as the default search engine on the iPhone.
While Google and Apple have been enjoying this cozy little tea party, both Microsoft and the US government now want to come in and smash up their saucers.
In a major antitrust trial now underway, the feds claim Google has been operating an illegal monopoly in search. They want to force Apple to offer consumers other search options on the iPhone.
If the judge agrees, smartphones might have to display other search engines, which would be a W for the #2 most-popular search engine—Microsoft Bing. With surprising self-awareness, Microsoft fully admits Bing sucks, but claims they’d sink billions into fixing it, if Google got reined in.
Warning: if the Department of Justice prevails in the ten-week trial, iPhones could get pricier. That’s because the billions in payola Google funnels to Apple subsidizes the cost of the devices to consumers.
Without that dough coming in, the sticker price could be going up, up, up. Grim, since my last iPhone already cost as much as a mortgage payment. Maybe I should switch to Huawei.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
The 60/40 portfolio (60% stocks, 40% bonds), a longstanding diversification strategy, has been “challenged” lately as both bonds and stocks are getting hammered. That’s why my portfolio is allocated 60% to Pokemon cards and 40% to Yu-Gi-Oh action figures.
Some luxury brands are facing setbacks, but Porsche is zooming along: the automaker just reported deliveries for 2023 so far were up 10%. Maybe they should bring back the Porsche Tractor and give John Deere a run for their money.
Morgan Stanley reported a soft quarter on lower revenue from investment banking and trading. These i-bankers better fire out some emails and get some dealflow going ASAP or Christmas vacation in St. Bart’s will be ruined.
IKEA just reported there were 697 million visits to its stores globally in the past year. That’s millions of people who said “challenge accepted” to putting together an armoire using only Chinese instructions and an Allen key.
C3PO just got a warehouse job: Amazon is testing humanoid robots to move packages and fulfill customer orders. Finally, some coworkers that won’t steal my yogurts from the break-room fridge.
That’s it for today, my friends; see you tomorrow morning. Yours in capitalism, The Axe