Grab some Buds
The absolute state of Anheuser-Busch
Good morning champions. This is your Stock Market Rundown for June 14, 2023.
TODAY’S TOP STORY: CHAOS IN BEERSVILLE🍻
I’m in my light beer era. Meaning: I get fat if I drink regular beer (or those revolting IPAs you kids like) but can still put away half-a-dozen brewskis as long as they taste like they’ve been cut with Evian water.
There’s nothing I love more on a June day than pounding Bud Lights while flipping burgers at my Big Green Egg kamado grill, while Jaden finally mows the lawn after I threaten to take the keys to the M3 if he doesn’t do it now.
Sadly, fewer folks are pounding alongside me. Bud Light just reported that sales are down an incredible 24%. This is due to some marketing missteps that we won’t get into here. This newsletter isn’t about the culture war; it’s about the war for corporate outperformance, and Anheuser-Busch is emphatically not outperforming lately.
In fact, its other brands, like Budweiser and Michelob Ultra, are sucking too. Who are they donating share to? Step forward, Modelo Especial, now America’s #1-selling beer. The Mexican export lager is not just for Taco Tuesday anymore. Modelo, I’m accepting sponsors and my readers love boozing—hit me up.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Overstock.com is trying to buy Bed Bath & Beyond, uniting the website where you buy cheap bathroom towels at 2 AM, with the retailer where you buy cheap bathroom towels with one of the eight hundred coupons they mailed you.
People are triggered that Lady Gaga was in a Pfizer ad, calling it “unsane”. Talk to your doctor.
Those “in the know” predict an 89.6% chance the Fed will leave rates unchanged today.
Thanks to a slew of new taxes, top-ten oil & gas producer Apache is halting drilling in the UK North Sea. Guess the Brits prefer the imported stuff.
If you’re not launching an AI startup right now, what are you even doing with your life?
Last year, China added 60 nuclear weapons to its deployed or stored arsenal. It’s nice to have extra.
Better get that cash burn rate down to the floorboards: the late-stage VC market is waving more red flags than a May Day parade.
That’s it for today, see you bright and early tomorrow. Yours in capitalism, The Axe