Hash it out

Good morning, social media maestros. This is your Stock Market Rundown for March 11th, 2024. Thanks for joining me for another week of financial foolishness. Let’s dig in:

TODAY’S TOP STORY: WHEN THE SCROLLING STOPS

It’s been disparaged as “digital fentanyl” and a national security risk. But despite the haters, TikTok is still the world’s most popular app, with half of Americans aged 18-30 scrolling the feed.

Now, it’s under threat. A House committee voted unanimously to advance a bill that would give TikTok’s parent company an ultimatum: either divest ownership within six months, or face a total US ban.

You might be wondering how your smashing “like” on a 20-second video of a giggling baby or some bro ranting about chemtrails could possibly be a national security threat. Well, given that TikTok’s parent company is based in Beijing, politicians are worried about Americans’ sensitive data leaking to China.

TikTok argues that its US business is firewalled from overseas access, and the proposed ban is a threat to free expression. Trends like Nyquil Chicken and The Milk Crate Challenge aren’t exactly William Shakespeare, but hey, it’s the principle that matters here.

To defend itself, TikTok is playing hardball: it unleashed the savage fury of its users, urging them to call their representatives. (Predictably, they flooded the phone lines.)

Luckily, TikTok may have a key ally in Washington: President Biden. Despite the fact that Joe is a few decades older than the average content creator, he joined TikTok last month. Can’t wait to see him lipsync a Miley Cyrus song.

What do you think of the proposed TikTok ban? Sound off in the comments:

SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?

• Facebook and Instagram were down for two hours last week, leading to a brief explosion of productivity in HR departments and government offices across the nation.

• The investment group bidding for Macy’s upped their offering price to $6.6 billion, after the retailer rejected their initial offer. Last time I shopped at a department store I spent most of my visit looking for the down escalator.

• The latest fashion accessory that goes with everything? Higher taxes. France wants to slap tax penalties on fast-fashion brands that choke up landfills with trashy throwaway garments.

• The US unemployment rate hit its highest level in two years, but at 3.9%, it’s still pretty low. In fact, the only people who can’t find a job right now are microwave repairmen and switchboard operators.

That's it for now, friends. Let’s meet back here bright and early tomorrow for more nonsense. Yours in capitalism, The Axe

 PS: how am I doing? Is there anything you’d like to see more of, or less of, from Stock Market Rundown? I value your feedback, and I read every email, so hit reply and say hello — I’d love to hear from you.