Ludicrous mode
Tesla hits a speed bump
Good morning, stunt drivers. This is your Stock Market Rundown for October 24th, 2023. Thanks for taking a ride with me. Let’s dig in:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: BATTERY DRAIN 🚗
When Elon Musk is posting on Twitter, he can’t resist a goofy meme or groaner dad joke. But Tesla’s quarterly earnings calls give us the buttoned-up (and sobered-up) version of Tesla’s head honcho.
In fact, on Tesla’s most recent quarterly call, Musk sounded downright gloomy. The leading electric-vehicle manufacturer’s revenue growth has slowed to a three-year low, and its results lagged Wall Street expectations.
That had Musk in an uncharacteristically pessimistic mood, as he worried aloud that higher interest rates are killing affordability for consumers living “paycheck-to-paycheck.”
Analysts expect Tesla will keep slashing prices on its vehicles to defend market share, which could have Tesla’s margins dropping faster than a Model Y’s battery charge on a cross-country road trip.
One spark of positive news: the long-delayed Cybertruck, which looks like a vehicle Duke Nukem might drive, will finally enter production this quarter. They’ll soon be rolling out to over two million eager Elon fanboys.
Recent photos circulating online of the Cybertruck demonstrate that its stainless-steel structural skin is impervious to bullets, which is handy for anybody dodging attempts on their life during their commute. Hopefully any would-be assassins you might have, avoid shooting at the windows.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Demand for office space is so low, experts think there’ll be a billion square feet of unused office space by the end of the decade. Business opportunity: open a chain of bowling alleys in former cubicle farms.
The CEO of Levi’s says he never puts his jeans in the washing machine and just wears them in the shower when they get filthy. This is a recipe for crotch rot. What does he have against Tide Pods?
LinkedIn, home of thinkfluencers posting motivational quotes, is doing another big layoff—its second round of job cuts so far this year. Most of the cuts are on LinkedIn’s R&D team, which frankly hasn’t come up with much since the invention of “work anniversaries.”
A US government report says Americans have lost billions in social-media scams over the past few years. The most frequent online fraud isn’t a come-on from a Nigerian prince; it’s buying stuff that never gets delivered from Facebook and Instagram ads. My advice: leave your credit card in your wallet and just keep scrolling.
That’s it for today, folks; see you at the usual time tomorrow morning. Yours in capitalism, The Axe