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Good morning, backseat drivers. This is your Stock Market Rundown for October 30th, 2023. Thanks for joining me for another week of sardonic stock takes. Let’s dig in:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: HITCH A ROBOTAXI RIDE 🚗
Uber and Lyft have been a boon for urbanites who want a quicker, slicker way to get from point A to point B. But they’re not winning the race when it comes to profitability – neither company has ever made a full-year net profit.
So how can a taxi company cut costs? How about eliminating your biggest expense line item—drivers?
This summer, residents of San Francisco were stunned as hundreds of driverless taxis started roving the streets. Cruise, a subsidiary of GM, and Waymo, owned by Google, both scored permission from California regulators to run autonomous taxicabs round-the-clock.
The robotaxis are just like an Uber, except with no awkward conversation, no accelerating around corners, and no forced Maroon 5 on the radio.
There have been a few traffic jams on the way to the autonomous future. Robotaxis keep having Wile E. Coyote-style misadventures, like sinking into wet concrete and colliding with emergency vehicles. The DMV even pulled Cruise’s permits due to an accident involving a pedestrian.
While snafus will no doubt continue, the autonomous future is unstoppable: Uber has a partnership with Waymo, and will offer driverless rides in Phoenix. Personally I don’t care whether my driver is a human or a robot, as long as he rates me five stars.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Another megamerger in the oilpatch: energy supermajor Chevron announced it’s acquiring oil and gas company Hess for $53 billion. I’m sure that transition to solar and wind energy will occur any minute now.
Meta, the owner of Facebook and Instagram, reported results that beat expectations as easily as Mark Zuckerberg beats the local meatheads at his Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym. The company saw a 7% increase in time spent on Facebook, thanks to your shut-in Aunt Mildred posting her latest opinion on Donald Trump.
Nestle reported earnings that missed expectations as hiked-up prices made consumers cut back on their KitKat consumption. Maybe they’re eating raw carrots instead?
Cybersecurity company Okta, which big corporations rely on to keep employee passwords safe, has reported a barrage of embarrassing breaches. Seems about as locked-down as my next-door neighbor Gary’s unsecured WiFi network. “NewEnglandClamRouter”… that’s funny, Gary.
That’s it for today, folks; see you bright and early tomorrow morning. Yours in capitalism, The Axe