Regulatory ruckus
Office debauchery at the FDIC
Good morning, regulation referees. This is your Stock Market Rundown for May 16th, 2024. Thanks for tuning in. Let’s get started:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: AGENTS OF CHAOS
Picture logging into your bank account right after payday, only to see a zero balance. This sickening scenario—being wiped out overnight—was common during the Great Depression, when more than four thousand banks failed.
To make sure it could never happen again, the US government set up the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation to serve as a safety net against bank failures. The FDIC was designed to be the firm hand on the tiller of the US banking industry—a sober bulwark against volatility.
That’s why it was a bombshell when news broke that the FDIC gives new meaning to the term “toxic workplace”. According to reporting by the Wall Street Journal, harassment and bullying were a normal day at the office. Parties featured vomiting in the elevator and urinating off the roof.
Male employees frequented strip clubs and texted explicit photos to female coworkers, who quit by the dozen. If this were a frat, they’d be banned from campus.
An independent probe of the allegations just wrapped up, and recommended sweeping changes. One thing that’s not changing? The occupant of the corner office.
FDIC chair Martin Gruenberg has led the agency for nearly two decades—and isn’t stepping down, despite calls for his resignation. Ironic that the people tasked with keeping a leash of the US banking industry, presided over an organization veering off the rails.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Good news for Hennessy fans: cognac might be going on sale. The French are facing a glut in cognac stockpiles due to Chinese tariffs hammering demand. Hopefully this means happy hour specials on sidecars.
Need a job? Love buffets and waterslides? Don’t get seasick easily? Royal Caribbean Group is hiring thousands of workers to meet record cruise demand.
Continuing the trend of Americans spending less time on dating apps, Match warned that quarterly revenue will miss Wall Street analyst estimates. Even a cringe pick-up line at the bar is better than another lonely night of swiping.
Panera Bread is discontinuing its controversial Charged Lemonade, a hyper-caffeinated beverage that’s been linked to deaths. Guess they realized juice doesn’t really need enough caffeine to power a long-haul trucker through a 36-hour shift on the I-90.
That’s it for today, folks. Let's reconvene tomorrow morning, as per usual. Yours in capitalism, The Axe
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