Sandals with socks
Birkenstock steps into an IPO
Good morning, my fleet-footed friends. This is your Stock Market Rundown for August 17th, 2023. Thank you, as always, for reading. Let’s dig in:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: BUCKLE UP 👡
Birkenstock, the shoe most likely to serve as a form of birth control, is reportedly preparing for an IPO in the US soon. From day one, this storied brand had an ethos that screamed “podiatry”, not “style”.
The company’s history goes back more than a hundred years, to Frankfurt, Germany, where Konrad Birkenstock invented the first contoured insole. Big upgrade from that era’s typical pancake-flat soles.
In 1964, family descendant Karl Birkenstock introduced the Madrid, a fitness sandal. When some of the shoes were imported to the flower-child mecca of San Francisco, hippies went buck-wild. Soon, the Woodstock generation weren’t just freeing their minds with LSD, they were freeing their hairy Hobbit toes in Birkenstocks.
The ugly-ass shoes made intermittent comebacks thanks to stars cute enough to make them look good, like Gwyneth Paltrow. In 2021, private equity investors acquired the footwear group, and now rumour has it they’re preparing to go public in an IPO that’ll value the brand at more than $6 billion.
Given these plans, it was well-timed product placement to feature Barbie wearing Birkenstocks in the recent hit movie. (You can even buy Barbie’s pink Birks—if you’re a dainty size 5, that is. All other sizes are sold out—apologies to the sturdy gals.)
Impressively, every pair of Birkenstocks is still made in Germany. What do we think—will management outsource to low-cost overseas manufacturing after going public? Let’s hope they don’t… Karl and Konrad would not approve.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Top spirit maker Diageo reports sales of high-end liquor have slowed down. Apparently during the panny we all became luxury lushes guzzling Casamigos, but now that inflation has taken a bite, it’s back to our old friend Mr. Jose Cuervo. ¡Salud!
Palantir reported higher revenue and a forecast that beat analyst estimates in its most recent quarterly report, with execs pointing to “unprecedented” customer interest in its Artificial Intelligence Platform. AI is to corporate America now, what blockchain was three years ago.
Yum Brands, owner of fattening franchises like Taco Bell and KFC, reported earnings that missed estimates despite sales being up double-digits. Surprisingly, the company’s biggest market is China, where KFC is a smash hit. Love of fried chicken truly transcends all cultural differences.
Eli Lilly’s quarterly profit was up bigly thanks to their product portfolio of innovative weight-loss drugs. I’m skeptical of these drugs, but there’s no denying they actually work, which is more than you can say about most fad diets. Remember Slim-Fast? Ew.
The offshore wind energy industry is in crisis due to spiking project costs, leading to billions in canceled projects. Bad news for investors, but good news for birds, since a million are shredded by wind turbine blades every year.
That’s it for today; looking forward to checking in tomorrow. Yours in capitalism, The Axe