Santa gets liquidated
Blue Christmas
Good morning, hardworking elves. This is your Stock Market Rundown for July 5th, 2023. Thanks for reading. Let’s dig in:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: SLEIGH BELLS STOP RINGING🎄
Many of us have that person in our family who is just a little bit too crazy about Christmas. She (it’s usually a she) loves elaborate gift-wrapping and cheesy Hallmark specials. And her turkey dinner is to die for.
Christmas Girl’s biggest joy is stuffing her home with seasonal themed decor, and her mecca is Christmas Tree Shops. Well, from now on she’ll have to procure plastic Santas somewhere else: the discount home-goods retailer has filed for bankruptcy.
Originally this was a Chapter 11, which wipes out shareholders but gives the business time to reorganize its debts, say a few prayers to the gods of cash flow, and try to stabilize.
However, much like when my son Jaden got thrown out of chess club for punching his opponent, sometimes things just don’t work out. Christmas Tree Shops just defaulted on its loan, and is now liquidating.
Discount stores like Christmas Tree rely on stocking their shelves with merchandise they get wholesale for dirt-cheap, thanks to big-box retailers dumping their seasonal overstock. Problem: many regular-price retailers have shuttered, leaving some malls empty enough to have tumbleweeds rollin’ through the food court.
And those that remain are running leaner on inventory. So there aren’t enough pool toys and picture frames to fill Christmas Tree’s shelves at the low prices shoppers expect.
Another problem: the place is called freaking Christmas Tree Shops, even though they sell seasonal home goods year-round. They couldn’t shake their rep as “more expensive version of Dollar Tree where my mother-in-law buys weird wicker baskets.”
Retailers that fail to reinvent themselves are doomed to terminal decline. But good news for Christmas Girl: this will mean 80% off sales on American flag throw pillows, twee cupcake stands, and seasonal garlands that get glitter everywhere.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Lordstown Motors, a startup automaker that purchased a shuttered GM plant in 2019, has filed for bankruptcy after only ever producing 31 pickup trucks. That’s fewer than the number of Ford F-150s in the parking lot of a WWE event.
Speaking of autos: a startup is taking pre-orders for an electric flying car. I’ll stick to four wheels, thanks. Being airborne is fun until you crash into a flock of Canada Geese.
Zuck dropping elbows all over the ring: Instagram is introducing a Twitter clone named Threads. Mixing the politics-brainworms nerd brigade of Twitter with the C-list celebrities and Flat Tummy Tea influencers of Instagram? Bring popcorn.
I know Peach Ice is your favourite, but can you guys lay off the sketchy-ass Chinese-made disposable vapes, please? You only get one set of lungs.
Why pay for lipo when you can just stuff it all into a girdle? Skims, Kim Kardashian’s underwear brand, is opening retail stores.
That’s it for today—see you at the usual time tomorrow. Yours in capitalism, The Axe