Sweet tooth
Trouble on candy mountain
Good morning, peanut brittle fans. This is your Stock Market Rundown for July 27th, 2023. Thank you for reading, I appreciate you being here. Let’s dig in:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: SUGAR, OH HONEY HONEY 🐝
Any dentists out there? You’ll love this one: a sugar shortage might ruin Halloween. Tighter sugar supplies due to global weather patterns are pushing up production costs for everything from mini Snickers to rainbow Skittles.
While candymakers’ products may fatten you up, their margins are getting skinnier now that their ingredient costs for sugar are up 40%.
I remember at Halloweens long past, the adventure of canvassing the neighborhood seeking those legendary houses handing out full-sized Mars bars. Usually I had to be happy with candy necklaces, Tootsie Pops, and some weird Polish candy that tasted like alcohol from the next-door-neighbour old lady. (What the hell was that about? I was eight!)
Anyway, a big reason for “sugarflation” is US rules that demand that 85% of US sugar purchases come from domestic producers, who charge a premium versus global exporters. Not too many free-market libertarians in the sugar beet industry. (Beets are more than half of US sugar production, so you could argue sugar is a vegetable, sort of? Don’t tell your mother I said that.)
The trade association for candymakers is asking the government to let them import more sugar, but the beet boys aren’t playing ball. It’ll take a while to sort this out, and in the meantime, our Twizzlers are at risk.
Look, maybe we could solve this by skipping the sweets this Halloween and opting for something more health-conscious. When kids knock on my door this year I’m planning on handing out creatine gummies.
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
AMC axed their plan to charge more money for better seats upon realizing it was a dumb idea. Pro tip: you can’t price a Seth Rogen stoner comedy like it’s an Elton John concert.
Top perfumers say fragrance sales are up 60% this year. If you want to smell like Justin Bieber, David Beckham, or Derek Jeter, go for it: they all have their own fragrance lines. Personally I’m holding out for Guy Fieri to launch a cologne that smells like a lasagne.
Sugar isn’t the only commodity facing supply issues due to weather: the European olive oil industry is in crisis due to back-to-back poor harvests. Heat waves are hammering Spain, which produces half of the global olive oil crop — in fact, much of what’s sold as Italian olive oil globally is actually Spanish or Greek. Luckily, it all tastes great on a cucumber salad.
Plans have been announced for a $2 billion theme park in Oklahoma. Launching a theme park with no Disney IP has got to be a tough slog. Are they gonna have Ricky Mouse and Desmond Duck walking around in costumes? I predict many toddlers bursting into tears and many dads wishing they went to NASCAR instead.
That’s it for today, see you bright and early tomorrow. Yours in capitalism, The Axe