Toxic truffles
Bittersweet secrets in the chocolate industry
Good morning, cocoa-bean connaisseurs. This is your Stock Market Rundown for November 3rd, 2023. Thank you once again for reading. Let’s bite into it:
TODAY’S TOP STORY: FROM BEAN TO BAR 🍫
Ah, dark chocolate, the perfect mid-afternoon pick-me-up… just the right combination of bitter and sweet. But you might detect a slight metallic aftertaste.
Consumer Reports recently found “concerning” levels of lead and cadmium in a third of chocolate products it tested. The lab rats specifically called out Hershey for having too much toxic content.
Look, a few Snickers bars aren’t gonna make you set off the metal detector at the airport. But mom and dad really don’t want little Braden getting as much heavy metal exposure as the overnight shift at a smelting plant when he scarfs down his Halloween peanut butter cups.
This toxic scare really isn’t the energy the $117-billion global chocolate industry needs right now. They’re already under pressure, with sugar and cocoa prices up, and bean processing rates down.
Plus, the industry is dealing with another threat to your Kit Kat break: black pod disease. It might sound like something an alien zombie would infect you with, but in actuality, it’s a plant ailment that could cause more squeeze on cocoa supplies.
The chocolate industry better fix this so I don’t have to go cold turkey on my Ferrero Rocher habit. (I can quit any time I want… I just choose not to.)
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?
Shady financial advisors, you’re on notice. New federal rules will force retirement plan providers to only sell products that are in the customer’s best interest, rather than just shilling high-fee products. No more exploiting grandma to cash in.
Beer brewers like Carlsberg and Heineken enjoyed sudsy revenues in Q3 thanks to price hikes. Analysts expect margins over the next year to be as frothy as the head on a Guinness.
Southwest reached a deal with its flight attendant union, ensuring that the next time we take a flight we’ll be able to yet again be instructed about the extremely serious responsibilities of being seated in the exit row.
In a move sure to piss off dentists, Colgate-Palmolive raised their annual sales and profit forecast thanks to jacking up prices on toothpaste. Pro tip: save money by brushing your teeth with Marshmallow Fluff.
That’s it for the week, valued colleagues. Have a terrific weekend, and let’s reconvene Monday morning, at the usual time. Yours in capitalism, The Axe